The Javaberry Library: August 1999

Once upon a time, there were two races of giant robots that transformed.
They lived on a planet called Cybertron, and were either:

created by their god Primus to defeat the evil Chaos God Unicron
created by the squiddy-four-faced aliens known as the Quintessons to do the dishes, unclog the toilet, participate in the Cybertronian World Wrestling Federation's "wrestling" matches, and do other humiliating menial tasks
evolved on their own out of metallic primordial ooze, or
all of the above.

Anyhoo, dere were dese two races, okay? And they eventually crashed on Earth, either during a space battle that got really out of control, or during a long, hard search for Energon, their rather strange energy source which never had the same properties twice (except for being kinda liquidy and coming in a cube. Rather like Tetra-Paks, in fact.)

One of the races was (were?) the Heroic Autobots (tm), led by John Wayne-- er, I mean, Optimus Prime. And later by Ultra Magnus, and then by Rodimus Prime, and then by Optimus Prime again. Researchers and linguists are working around the clock to determine why so many transformers had Latin or Latin-ish names. The current theory is that their real Cybertronian names were along the lines of "Billy Bob" and "Jacko", the Latin-ish names being a result of the Autobots wanting to impress their human friends by sounding all smart-like and edjumacated.

The other race was the Evil Decepticons (tm) who were evil and wicked and nasty, mostly because the toy company that made them (Hasbro) and the theme song and the narrator said so.

In fact, according to ancient Decepticon legend, the original Decepticons were perfectly content to flounce about the fields of Cybertron picking flowers (and, where there were none, using the ancient art of Metalligami to intricately fold and twist sheets of metal into purty shiny flowers). However, upon discovering that they were meant to be evil, their cruel and pitiless leader Megatron spake thusly:

"Oh goodness me! If that nice Mr. Narrator and the lovely charming theme song says that we are evil, then we should act as evil as possible to oblige them! How... ironic..."

The Decepticons were so evil and wicked and nasty (and deceptive) that when they were introduced to Japan, they inexplicably started to call themselves the Destrons. They then changed their name to the Faction Formerly Known as the Decepticons. For a brief period of time, they also insisted on being referred to as an unpronounceable symbol followed by a spritz of Chanel No. 5 perfume, but they eventually settled on being called the Destrons.

The Autobots, meanwhile, being alerted to the fact that the "Auto" part of their name sounded alarmingly like the Japanese word for "vomit", decided to go by the name of their planet while cruising around in Japan, and be called Cybertrons. Imagine their dismay, then, when the Destrons/Decepticons, in an attempt to make the Cybertrons/Autobots look stupid, started a petition to rename Cybertron "Seibertron"... and won? As a result, the Japanese referred to the planet Cybertron as Seibertron, while the Autobots were referred to as Cybertrons, and the Decepticons were called the Destrons, and the rest of the world looked on in bemusement.

Sometime before all this interaction and interlinguistic mayhem could take place, however, Optimus Prime crashed his ship The Ark into a volcano called Mount Saint Hillary, complained about Sunday drivers, and napped for several millenia. He eventually woke up and befriended some squishy little humans, but only after the Autobots decided to "disguise" themselves as the dominant life form of the planet...

Gnats.

The Gnatformers were rather unpopular in toystores, however, and after discovering that half their troops had been decimated during a trip to a camping ground, the Autobots decided to "disguise" themselves as gaudily coloured automobiles.

The Autobots and Decepticons fought for a long, long time. I mean, really long. Optimus Prime died, then came back to life via the miracles of a floppy disk, then died again. Megatron got turned into Leonard Nimoy. Frank Welker (voice of Megatron and others) got turned into Wheelie, a rhyming shrieky robot-buddy to the infernal spawn of Squishie Human Ambassador to Cybertron "Spike" Witwicky. Mayhem ensued.

In Japan, the Destrons and Cybertrons continued their battles for quite some time, recruited some plucky squishy human kids, and taught Japanese youngsters everywhere rather disturbing lessons about the terrors of war, the importance of learning to work well with your team/platoon, and just generally how to mature into a fine young warrior/soldier who will cheerfully go to battle to defend his home country/planet/species.
Oh, and Cybertron got blown up. Or not.

In the American Comics continuity, lots of other stuff happened. The Transformers kinda got bored of Earth and focussed on other exotic locales, like arid Charr and alien Nebulos and beautiful Puerto Vallarta. (Acapulco Heat, we love you!!)

In the British Comics continuity, all sorts of odd things happened. Among other things, Wheelie became less annoying, and thus, un-Wheelie-like. It is theorized that he was actually killed by Rodimus Prime in a fit of homicidally rageful annoyance shortly after the events of Transformers: The Movie, and replaced by the result of a passionate and forbidden "relationship" between one of the Autobot cassette-tape robots, and one of the Decepticon cassette-tape robots.

And finally, in Beast Wars continuity, none or all of the above happened. The Great War eventually ended, the Autobots triumphed, and the Decepticons went on to bitter defeat. They also went on to produce "offspring" and descendants known as Predacons, so possibly their defeat was not as bitter as supposed...

although they were very likely humiliated by the thought that their conquerors had such threatening aggressive names as "Bumblebee" and "Jazz".

The Autobots also had descendants, called Maximals for reasons known only to the Autobots themselves. Again, there is a distinct possibility that the incumbent Autobot leader simply picked up the Sacred and Holy Relic known as The Big Book of Latin-Sounding Words and flipped to a random page when choosing this faction name.

Some 300 years after the Great War, Cybertron suddenly gave up its wandering planet status and settled into orbit around a nice comfy sun, so that the Beast Wars artists could get neato Star Trek: Deep Space Nine-ish Solar System panorama shots. As well, a small band of renegade Predacons, led by the unfortunately named Megatron (presumably his parents thought it was a good thing to name him after a great leader that led their ancestors to defeat, just as the Trojan Brand decided that it was a good idea to name their brand of condoms after the side that LOST the Trojan War) took off with another Autobot Relic, known as the Golden Disk. As the Golden Disk essentially consisted of a map of the universe with the neat little arrow pointing to a dot with the label "Earth is here. You are not", Megatron (BW) developed a devious plan to use the Golden Disk to go to Earth, and get the very resource that would allow him to lead the Predacons to triumph:

Adolescent human males.

Safe in the knowledge that a plucky youngster (or, better yet, a plucky team of youngsters who may quarrel over the token female, but ultimately let their powers combine to summon Captain Plane-- er, to triumph over their enemies) would be sure to improve their chances of crushing their hereditary enemies beneath their heel, Megatron made his merry way to Earth. Meanwhile, the Maximals decided to send the nearest vessel, an exploratory starship known as the "Axalon", to pursue the rogue Predacons and bring them back before the news of the rather embarassing theft (reportedly the result of Ancient Autobot Relic custodian Kup leaving the cupboard unlocked AGAIN) got out.

The crew of the Axalon were rather relieved, as they had been at a loss to explain why no previous generations of Autobots had explored the region in the several million years between the discovery of space travel and their "present".

After a rather Star Trek-ish skirmish, the Axalon and the Predacon Ship With No Name fell through a convenient hole in space/time... well, mostly time. And landed on a prehistoric planet with lots of raw energon "Crystals" (these being the unprocessed forms of the liquidy Energon Cubes, apparently), but surprisingly few plucky squishie humans.

Due to this abundance of Energon that threatened to overload their circuits, and due to the lack of humans on the planet to build neato little pollution-mobiles, the Maximals and Predacons were forced to take on protective native forms as well as their natural robot forms. The Maximals somehow managed to scan in neato shapes like gorilla, rhinoceros, cheetah, and, for some reason, Mickey Mouse. The Predacons rather implausibly scanned in several extinct animals and invertebrates, which says it all, really.

One of the Predacons, the also unfortunately named Dinobot (possibly his parents thought that it would be a boost to his confidence on the playgrounds of Cybertron if he was named after a mighty team of warriors, regardless of the fact that said team was on the Autobot side during the war, and had the collective intelligence of a spot of grease), challenged Megatron for leadership of the group, obviously disappointed that his hopes of slowly but gradually building a touching bond with a hot-headed young human sidekick had been so cruelly dashed.

He got his @$$ whupped by one of Megatron's lackies, and so made the very wise decision to immediately go and challenge the Maximal leader for leadership of the Maximals. This ended in something of a draw. Dinobot then attempted to challenge a wandering local proto-human ape-like being for leadership of his tribe, but ran into communication problems.

Time passed. Characters bonded and fell in love. Due to the pressures of the toy market, both Maximal and Predacon alike found rather sad excuses for getting new "forms". New characters popped in just in time for old characters to get killed off either in fits of senseless violence, or in interminably long tear-jerker episodes designed to traumatize young children. Oh, and Dinobot managed to garner himself a cult following and a centerfold in Playgirl magazine, before being driven to distraction by his multitudes of adoring/lustful fans (and their attendant fan-made characters) and faking his own death, so that he could work at a local McDonalds in peace, right next to Employee of the Month Elvis Presley.

More time passed. More toys and new characters appeared. Things started gearing down for Beast Wars proper, and gearing up towards the new series, Beast Machines.
Meanwhile, back in Japan, the Maximals were still Cybertrons and the Predacons were still Destrons. After most of the first season of Beast Wars was translated and aired in Japan, with wisecracks a-plenty ad-libbed by the voice actors, there followed the series' Beast Wars II (Second) and Beast Wars Neo, in which Japanese youngsters everywhere were taught rather disturbing lessons about the terrors of war, the importance of learning to work well with your team/platoon, and just generally how to mature into a fine young warrior/soldier who will cheerfully go to battle to defend his home country/planet/species. Some things never change.

August Rant

A Brief History of Beast Wars